


the birds and the bees

by melodicMasochist



Series: I think i'm addicted to making pesterlogs [4]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Awkwardness, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Consent, Horny Teenagers, M/M, Pesterlog, Second Thoughts, Sex, Tension, talking about sex, worrying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-16 17:49:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13641366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodicMasochist/pseuds/melodicMasochist
Summary: Dave and Karkat talk about having sex sometime. Dave's kinda horny.





	the birds and the bees

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 6:48 pm

 

TG: hey man

TG: whats the word of the day

CG: LET ME THINK.

CG: HMMM.

CG: HOW ABOUT ANAL ASTRONAUT

CG: I KNOW IT'S TWO WORDS, BUT IT'S GREAT.

TG: it is great

TG: i have a better one

TG: the word of the day is legs

CG: LEGS? WHAT THE FUCK.

CG: I KNOW YOU'RE ONE WEIRD MOTHERFUCKER, BUT GOD DAMN.

TG: lets go back to my room and spread the word

TG: :)

CG: \:<B FUCKING LAME AS SHIT, DUDE.

CG: MINE WAS WAY BETTER.

TG: i thought it was funny at least

CG: HARDY HAR HAR. CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW HARD I'M CRACKING UP AT YOUR SHITTY JOKE?

CG: YOU'RE A COMEDY MASTER, DAVE.

TG: thanks babe i knew youd come around

 

CG: OH, YEAH. I'M DEFINITELY COMING AROUND.

TG: are you a doughnut? because youre all sugar and curves

TG: heres a really bad one

CG: A DOUGHNUT IS SHAPED LIKE A CIRCLE.

CG: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?

TG: no lmao

CG: I WAS FUCKING WITH YOU.

TG: ok good

CG: DIPSHIT.

TG: i was about to get real concerned if i had to explain that to you lol

CG: DAVE, I'M NOT A FUCKING MORON.

CG: WHOOSH.

CG: DO YOU HEAR THAT?

CG: THAT'S THE SOUND OF A JOKE GOING OVER YOUR THINKPAN.

TG: no i got it but like

TG: i wanted to clarify just in case yknow

TG: its hard to tell sometimes over text

CG: PFFFT. TRUST ME, I GET IT.

CG: AND I'M WELL AWARE THAT'S WHAT I HAPPEN TO BE. KANAYA HAS TOLD ME A FEW TIMES TOO.

TG: cute and curvy you mean?

CG: YES. IT'S WHY SHE HAS SO MUCH FUN SHOVING ME INTO NEW CLOTHES.

CG: AND LITERALLY SEWING ME INTO THEM.

TG: i bet you look really good when shes done though

TG: lookin like a snack

CG: A SNACK? I THINK YOU MEAN A FOUR COURSE MEAL.

TG: yeah that

CG: GOOD. I'M GLAD WE'RE BOTH AWARE OF THAT NOW.

 

TG: a fucking buffet

TG: like

TG: all you can eat karkat

CG: IF I LET YOU INTO THIS BUFFET, YOU WOULDN'T FUCKING STOP.

TG: i dont think id be able to contain myself

CG: I'D PROBABLY FAINT AND YOU'D STILL KEEP GOING.

TG: i mean hopefully you dont faint damn but

TG: nah actually

TG: thatd be a little too weird for me dude

CG: YOU HAVE A STRONG POINT THERE. IT IS A LITTLE WEIRD.

TG: a conscious karkat is a fuckable one

TG: thats my story and im sticking to it

CG: I MEAN, AS LONG AS I'M STILL ATTRACTIVE WHEN I'M SLEEPING, IT'S COOL.

CG: I HOPE I'M NOT ALL OPEN-MOUTHED AND DROOLING ON MYSELF

CG: THAT'S DISGUSTING.

TG: im gonna pretend i didnt see that in my minds eye

TG: unless maybe you were drooling because of other things and not because your mouth was open when you fell asleep

TG: thats a little more excusable i think

TG: i should stop talking

CG: YOU'RE ONLY FEEDING MY SEXUAL EGO AT THIS POINT, AND IT'S FUCKING GREAT.

CG: YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF WEIRD SAYING THAT BECAUSE I'M STILL A KISSLESS VIRGIN.

TG: aw shit what

TG: my mind can not even comprehend how or why that is how it is because it shouldnt be

CG: I KNOW, I KNOW. IT'S HARD TO SWALLOW THAT FACT, BUT IT'S TRUE.

CG: I'VE OBVIOUSLY BEEN PROPOSITIONED ENOUGH, BUT I DECIDED TO NOT.

TG: whys that

CG: THEY WEREN'T THE RIGHT PERSON.

TG: oh so youre one of those people

CG: DUH. HAVE YOU MET ME?

CG: AT ONE POINT I WAS SORT OF CONSIDERING JUST FOLLOWING IN MY DANCESTOR'S FOOTSTEPS. HELL OF A LOT EASIER TO NOT WORRY ABOUT IT IN GENERAL.

CG: BUT CAN'T A GUY GET SOME DICK AROUND HERE?

CG: IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

TG: i feel you

TG: hey were pretty close right

CG: YEAH, WE ARE. RIGHT?

TG: fuck yeah man

TG: so like

TG: i got dick for you if you want it

CG: YOU WANT TO FUCK ME.

TG: yeah

 CG: PFFFFT. THAT'S YOUR BEST JOKE YET.

 

TG: no but really

CG: HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT SHITTING ME?

TG: i was literally just fucking drooling earlier thinking about that buffet

CG: DAMN, STRIDER, DO YOU NEED A TISSUE FOR THAT AND SOMETHING ELSE?

CG: OKAY, LET'S SAY I AGREE TO FUCK YOU.

TG: are you going to make me read and sign terms and conditions now

CG: AS LONG AS YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING TOO FUCKING WEIRD, THEN FINE.

TG: i feel like karkats ass: terms and conditions is a think imma bout to get learned on

CG: OH MY GOD.

CG: DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE BACK MY AGREEMENT?

CG: I HAVE TWO HANDS AND A MOVING DICK FOR A REASON.

TG: ok but what defines too fucking weird like

TG: fucking reality check on the whole alien cultures thing

CG: ANY GROSS ASS BODILY FLUIDS. KEEP YOUR PISS AND SHIT AND VOMIT AWAY FROM ME.

TG: no problems there

CG: YOU CAN BITE ME AS LONG AS YOU DON'T LITERALLY TAKE A BITE OUT OF ME. JUST GENERAL GROSS THINGS LIKE THAT.

CG: SHIT MAKES ME WANT TO KEEL OVER.

CG: YIKES.

TG: damn dude im not fixin to literally eat your flesh or nothin lol

CG: I KNOW. I'M JUST LAYING OUT SOME GROUND RULES.

CG: THERE ARE SOME FUCKED UP PEOPLE OUT THERE.

TG: closest thing is maybe i snack on your whole nook+bulge combo meal but im not taking bites outta my bro thats fucked up and also i dont think i could draw blood if i tried

 

CG: I KNOW, I KNOW. YOU'RE AFRAID OF BLOOD.

TG: id probably have a panic attack if i made you bleed in any context actually

CG: YEAH, NO. I'M KIND OF GLAD YOU'RE AFRAID OF IT, IN RETROSPECT.

TG: great

CG: UGH. ANYWAY.

CG: DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS NOW..?

TG: better than skirting around it whenever i see you next

CG: I HOPE IT WON'T BE FUCKING AWKWARD AND WEIRD AFTERWARDS.

TG: thatd be bad yeah

TG: but im pretty sure ive already got a halfsie now so why not

CG: YOU MIGHT HAVE TO WORK A BIT ON ME, NOT GONNA LIE.

TG: you can pull up a porn clip or something to watch if you need to

TG: virtual shrug

CG: I FEEL LIKE THAT'S GOING TO MAKE IT FEEL WEIRDER.

CG: IT'S LIKE GETTING READY TO GO OUT SOMEWHERE, EXCEPT SOMEONE IS COMING IN ME INSTEAD.

TG: nah man porns good for the soul

TG: do what you gotta do

CG: I WOULD PREFER NOT TO DO THAT.

CG: KIND OF A SHITTY WAY TO START OFF A FIRST TIME.

TG: k

CG: THIS IS GETTING TOO WEIRD NOW. I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS. I WAS KIND OF HOPING YOU'D HELP ME, BUT I SUPPOSE NOT.

TG: well how do i help you

CG: HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF, I DON'T KNOW, MAKING OUT? TOUCHING?

TG: well yeah i had that in mind

CG: THEN WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BOTHER WATCHING PORN?

CG: KIND OF A STUPID SUGGESTION.

TG: probably but w/e

TG: ill head over to yours then?

CG: I DON'T FEEL LIKE MOVING, SO YEAH.

CG: ACTUALLY, WAIT. I'M KIND OF NOT INTO THIS ANYMORE. SHIT IS TOO WEIRD. PLUS, AFTERWARDS MIGHT BE EVEN WEIRDER.

TG: you dont have to if itll make you uncomfortable

CG: I'M JUST NOT SURE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING TO HAPPEN AFTERWARDS.

CG: I DON'T THINK WE'RE THINKING AHEAD TO CONSEQUENCES.

TG: consequences: dave is significantly less sexually frustrated and karkat will most likely experience similar results

CG: I ALSO DON'T WANT TO RUIN OUR FRIENDSHIP.

CG: I DON'T WANT TO GIVE MYSELF FALSE HOPE, SO I HOPE YOU CAN GET THAT.

TG: i know that i am totally chill as fuck with whatever happens karkat

TG: if you think youre gonna feel like its weird afterward and not this like glowy contented state of mild exhaustion then youre probably going to feel weird about it

CG: I THINK THE PROBLEM IS THAT I WOULD FEEL GOOD, AND I DON'T WANT TO, IF THAT MAKES SENSE. IT'S JUST A STUPID IDEA TO LITERALLY PUT MYSELF INTO A POSITION WHERE I CAN GET CLOSER BUT NOT ACTUALLY.

CG: HONESTLY, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I WAS THINKING. I'M A MORON.

TG: im not sure what you mean

CG: I LIKE YOU, AND I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA. THAT'S DUMBING IT DOWN AS MUCH AS I CAN.

TG: when you say it like im a three year old it makes perfect sense yeah

CG: SEE, I TOTALLY GET WHAT LEVEL YOU'RE AT MENTALLY.

TG: maybe im too tired to interpret words right i dunno

CG: I DOUBT IT.

CG: OH, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME. I THINK IT'S TIME THAT WE NEVER TALK ABOUT ANY OF THIS AGAIN.

TG: probably

TG: i like you too btw in a not specifically sexual way too

CG: I HAVE A SOMEWHAT HARD TIME BELIEVING THAT, SO WHY DON'T WE JUST DROP IT?

CG: ...

CG: ANYWAY, I SHOULD GO WATER MY PLANTS. OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

CG: BYE, STRIDER.


End file.
